| Holiday News |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|02:17 pm] |
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We would like to remind the community that today is the Tuesday of the Beast, so please take a moment to honor the Unholy Lord of Deception by eating an entire box of Red Hots. |
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| News Shorts |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|02:03 pm] |
June 6th, 2003:
Nine year-old Adam Wendling finds a bottle of Ultra Ivory Dish Soap in his mother's cabinet and misunderstands the product's "Hard On Grease" slogan, which causes him to laugh uncontrollably for three hours and twenty-four minutes. |
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| News Shorts |
[May. 9th, 2006|11:09 am] |
May 9th, 1765:
Convinced for years that his looks and wealth would result in so many potential brides that he would have to beat them off with a stick, New England's Gilbert Crenshaw is surprised to discover that his marriage prospects are far fewer than expected. It will be another 4 months before he realizes that the problem may have something to do with carrying that stick around all the time. |
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| News Shorts |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|04:46 pm] |
April 28th, 1911:
Harry Goorfkalax, Ph.D, a paleontologist from the Ululalulula dimension, descends upon Japan in an effort to embrace new cultures. Unfortunately, all nine of Dr. Goorfkalax’s appendages consist of flaming tentacles covered in poison sumac, and 15 people are rushed to the hospital as a result of his hugging frenzy. |
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| News Shorts |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|11:02 am] |
April 4th, 2006:
A respected San Francisco resident and alumnus of the University of California at Santa Cruz finally turns 30 after 29 years of trying.
"In your face, science. WOOOO!" says the triumphant local.
Unfortunately, his victory is short-lived as he is immediately sucked up into that carousel thing from Logan's Run, which, though sitting squarely over his house for years, has never excited his attention before. |
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| News Shorts |
[Mar. 31st, 2006|10:58 am] |
March 31st, 2005:
Just before loosing a torrent of pent-up irritation and telling a noted local author that he “can’t make up stories and present them as actual news”, Mountain View resident Lenore Sadler is swept off the street by a band of wandering Muffin Pirates and bore off to regions unknown in their Blueberry Buttermobile. |
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| News Shorts |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|10:43 am] |
March 6, 2004:
At the beginning of what ends up being a thoroughly crappy trip to Earth, Geometron Neru purchases a pair of 34W x 34L boot-cut jeans from Banana Republic and is shocked to discover that they are not a perfect square like his lower body. |
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| News Shorts |
[Mar. 3rd, 2006|10:31 am] |
March 3, 1997:
In an odd turn of events, scientists simultaneously discover a huge, hidden civilization under layers of strata in western Australia, and that Koala bears are powered almost exclusively by Mountain Dew and Croatian rock music. |
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| Science News |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|02:51 pm] |
SAN FRANCISCO, CA--In a late-breaking press release, researchers at the Barlow Center for Paranormal Studies revealed Tuesday that they are hard at work devising a practical scale for cursed artifacts and their relative danger level. The scale, tentatively named the Cursed Artifact Threat Index (CATI), is designed to help lay people and collectors differentiate between objects that pose an actual danger, like Ludvig Prinn’s De Vermis Mysteriis and the Dreaded Black Dime, and those with somewhat dubious threat value, like the Macramé Skull of Lower Ontario, or the Corpse of Death.
Researchers hope to finish compiling the Cursed Artifact Threat Index by the end of the week, but admit that it is much easier to place Very-High threat and Very-Low threat objects on the scale than it is to rank those artifacts in the Medium to Nebulous range. Among the objects taking longer to classify: kittens, the Cursed Pants of Itchy Taggedness, and the Burrito of Very Near Future Discomfort.
The decision to rank the danger of the world’s cursed objects came about due to an unfortunate chance encounter between the Cursed Black Guiness and overly-curious Barlow researcher Philip Nguyen, who was instantly turned into a ball of yarn with little googly eyes on it upon finishing the beverage.
Note: The Dreaded Black Dime was last seen on the West Coast in the latter part of 2005, and should still be considered active and dangerous. |
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